What if?

When my first daughter was born, I hadn't had my driver's license for very long. My husband was always commenting that my driving wasn't very comfortable for my passenger(s). We also live in a city of wreckless and scary drivers (seriously, the DMV doesn't even do an actual road test because they don't want to get in a car with these drivers!). So I was afraid to drive once my daughter was born. I was scared of giving her whip-lash in her car seat, but most of all I was terrified to have an accident with my baby in the car.

I eventually became more relaxed about this. As a SAHM it would have been silly to keep myself locked in the house all day until my husband came home. I accepted the fact that I was probably not the first mother to have this concern, and that all of those women swallowed their fears and put the baby in the car. Well, less than a year ago I was rear ended while sitting still. My daughter was in the back seat, and she started screaming. I jumped from the car and pulled her out of her seat to check her for injuries. She calmed within moments of me picking her up, so I believe she was just frightened...and so was I. I was shaking so badly that I could dial my husband's number correctly. And when his cell phone was dead (ahhh!!), I sounded like a crazy woman to the poor man who answered the switch board at my husband's company.

Well, with little personal injury (and plenty of car injury) I got back into the car and had to pep-talk myself into pulling back into traffic. For weeks after that I felt like I was shaking every time I got behind the wheel of the car. But soon I was relaxed and comfortable again.

Recently my mind has been taunting me with horrific images of accidents and possible results of an accident. As I mentioned earlier, drivers around here are lunatics. So when I see an accident almost happen my mind runs 100 miles/minute with "what ifs." What if that car had hit that guy and is spun into our car and....I get so distracted trying to figure out what I would do if we got into an accident. What if I were trapped and couldn't get my girls out? What if the girls were trapped? Which one would I get out first? How could I make such a choice? What if I couldn't help them? What if I died and my girls were left without a mother? And on, and on it goes.

I know that I need to place my fears in the Father's hands, as He is the One who controls whether we even get into an accident at all. But I struggle. I want to be in control. I need to have a plan for every possible scenario. I'm so arrogant to think that God wouldn't be able to handle it. I know these things, but still my mind starts running.

Wordless Wednesday

Obviously a bad day. I need a Boba!
(Yes, I'm supporting the toddler's weight.)

Toddler Tuesday

Many of my posts may be about my children. But I've decided to dedicate Tuesdays to my toddler. Toddlers are so fun to observe--her logic and reasoning can be quite comical. So on Tuesdays I will try to share some of the special moments, fun conversations, or just plain silly things that my daughter is doing.

One thing that sticks out to me from this past week is her speech development. She talks more and more everyday. She's starting to use sentences more, and sometimes it is very funny what comes out. Today she came running from the kitchen yelling because something had scared her. I asked her to show me what it was. She took me to her play kitchen, which is set up in the corner of our kitchen/dining room area. Then she just stood there, still trembling from whatever had frightened her. I asked her what had scared her. Here is the conversation that followed (with some translation and explanation!).

"Cat outside window."
"Is the cat outside"
"Ummm. Stool?"
"Where is your stool?"
"Lights, on. Stool?"
"No, the lights are on, you don't need your stool."
"Scared. Cat? See? Stool?"
*Here I opened the blinds so she could see if the stray cat was in the yard.*
"Oohhhh, I sorry. Kitchen?" *turning back to the play kitchen. the "oh" is sung*
"Spider."
"Did you see a spider?" *I'm still trying to figure out what startled her.*
"Yes. Spider."
"Where?"
"Ummmm. Floor. See? Spider. Trash?"
*She pointed to a broken piece of cracker on the floor. I did not see any bug of any kind, although I had wondered if this is what frightened her. Yesterday I killed an ant and threw it in the trash. Hence the reason she connected the spider to the trash.*
"No, Mommy doesn't see a spider. Everything is okay."
"Oohhhh. Sorry, spider. All done. Truck?"
*Here she went to the front window to look for the trash truck.*

It's not quite as fun as hearing her little sing-song voice and watching her eyes roam around the room looking for her next train of thought. But I just thought I would share some of these moments with you. :)

Dream On

"And having food an raiment, let us therewith be content." I Timothy 6:8

There is one matter of conversation that every one of us has in common: finances. Whether you have tons of money, or seemingly no money, I'm sure you still discuss your finances with someone. For us it is a frequent topic of conversation. We believe we are doing the right thing by choosing to live off of one income so that I can stay home with the children. This will probably be a topic that appears on this blog from time to time as well. However, I want to share some thoughts from a conversation my husband and I had this morning.

All of us have dreams. Some of these dreams are goals that we would like to attain, and some of these are things that we will only ever dream of doing. Some of our dreams are desires for things that we would like to have, and some of these desires are for things we will never have. I have dreams. So many things I would like to have. I struggle so often to be content in the current situation in which I find myself. I can never just be satisfied with the fact that God is meeting our needs. I always want more. I want to be able to buy new clothes now and then. I want to get my hair cut and styled. I want to get new shoes. I want to have clothes for my children that fit them properly. I want them to have toys and books. I want them to have a nicely decorated bedroom with matching bed sets. I want a nicely decorated home. I want pictures to hang on the wall, paint to paint my walls with.

But you know what? These are wants. I have clothes on my back. My children have clothes to wear. I have hair on my head. I have a place to call home. And I have children who know that I am here for them.

My husband and I were observing people at church today. This is sadly the place where I find myself struggling with contentment the most. So many of the women look nice. Every hair is in place. Their makeup is perfect. Their clothes are new and nice looking. They have a purse to match their outfit. And their children are wearing the latest designer clothing. But as I sat their today and observed these things yet again, I asked my husband how these people do it. And the answer was simple: the mother works so that the home has a comfortable income so that the family can enjoy these luxuries.

The answer was simple, and what that meant to us was refreshing. Yes, I may still be jealous at times. Yes, I will still want to be able to buy something new at times. But to us, nothing is worth sacrificing our children. I believe God called me to be a mother to my children. It is my job to raise them, to love them, to nurture them, and to be there for them. I do not want to miss that opportunity. I don't want to hand my children over to someone else to raise just so that I can buy things I want when God has already supplied the things I need.

I keep a list on my bulletin board in the kitchen of reasons I stay home with my kids. I plan to make a page on by blog with those reasons, and will add to it as I come up with more. But I use this list during these times of discontentment, or on days when I'm ready to pull my hair out, to remind me that my children are worth the financial sacrifice.

Now Entering the Blogging World

So now, after careful thought and contemplation, I have decided to start my own blog. I figure, what can it hurt? It really doesn't matter if nobody else ever reads it. It can still be a nice way for me to express myself, vent when I need to, rejoice when I want to, complain if I have to, and to just share thoughts, feelings, concerns, and frustrations that come to me day by day.

One goal that I have with this blog is to journal things going on in my normal day to day living so that a year from now I can look back and see where I was and where my kids were and see how we grew and changed in that year.

Another is to share and commiserate with others the trials of dealing with food allergies, seasonal allergies, and a life-threatening allergy to fire ants.

I also want to find comradeship in my interests for sewing and crafts as well is in my interests for reading and writing.

I have also gotten into baby-wearing and cloth-diapering. While my main goal in these things is to keep a happy home and be frugal with our money, I am also not opposed to the concept of being environmentally friendly. I am also not against buying organic, but since my main objective is to be frugal, this does not often allow me to buy organic.

I have enjoyed reading the blogs of other stay-at-home moms, and am now excited to be starting my own venture into the blogging world. I would like to, one day, have a blog that is heavily trafficked and one which allows me to do fun giveaways! I hope to gain some moral and emotional support from fellow bloggers.

Chocolate Chip Cookies

This recipe is from the Silk website. I like to make a double batch. I then scoop them, par-freeze them, and then bag the pre-portioned dough. Then when I want to have cookies for an after-lunch snack, I just pull out what I need for my daughter and me, and bake them in the toaster oven.

Chocolate Chip Cookies

INGREDIENTS

• 1 cup non-hydrogenated margarine
• 1/2 cup brown sugar
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1/4 cup Silk Unsweetened, Vanilla, Original, Omega-3 DHA & Calcium or Heart Health
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• 2 1/4 cups flour
• 1 tsp. baking soda
• 12 oz. semisweet chocolate chips

PREPARATION

Preheat the oven to 350°F.

Using and electric mixer or sturdy wooden spoon, cream margarine and sugars until light and fluffy. Slowly add Silk, mix well, then add the vanilla. Combine the dry ingredients in a mixing bowl. Add dry ingredients to the creamed mixture and stir to blend. Fold in chocolate chips.

Drop by rounded teaspoons on greased or parchment-lined cookie sheets. Bake in preheated oven for 8-10 minutes.

Yields 60 cookies