Sunday, November 14, 2010

On My Own

How is it possible to attend a church of a few thousand people and be friendless? How is it possible to be a part of such a large ministry as we are for so long, and still be so lonely? How is it we can attend a Sunday School fellowship where more than 50 adults were present, and have no one to talk to? How can I have 347 Facebook friends, and of the handful that I would count true friends, none of them live anywhere around me?

I'm so alone, and I'm so tired of being all alone. Periodically I work myself into a nice well of self-pity and feel I could just drown in it. Around the holidays is usually the worst. I love people. I love to socialize. I love to have my home full of people, and around the holidays when fellowship is such a major theme, I have no one to fellowship with. I have many people who will paste on her smile and say "hi" to me as we pass at church, and she'll "pay her respects" when we are at a gathering together, but I have no one who I feel I could comfortably invite to my home. A Pampered Chef party is one thing, because not much fellowship is required at such gatherings. But for once, I would like to know how it feels to have some ask how I'm doing and believe that they really care to know.

The nice thing is that my children are unaffected by such snubbery. I watched my daughter openly play with the children of those who find me beneath them, and was thankful that these adults were able to allow children to be children. Oh, to be so young and carefree. To not even understand that other people wouldn't want to be friends with you. My daughter sees any child, whether at church, at the park, or at the store and she starts telling me that they are her friends. If I didn't have children, I wouldn't even have the few "friendly" acquaintances that I do have. My children are my only common ground with so many of the people around me.

Then there comes my husband. He is often times the only friend I have, but he's so busy and burdened most of the time. There are so many trivial things that I would like to just be able to talk to someone about, but since they're not of any great significance or importance, I feel I shouldn't be bothering him with such things. Even the author of "Created To Be His Helpmeet" says as much in her book. So then, who am I to turn to?

I have my mother and my one true friend Jen, but each, like myself, is so busy with her own children that phone conversations are difficult and more stressful than they are relaxing. If only we were closer together and could take our kids to a park where they would be entertained while we tried to talk with each other.

I know Christ needs to be my all in all, and I do try to remember that. But even at creation, God made Eve for Adam because it was not right for him to be alone. God recognized that humans needed the fellowship and friendship of other humans. I will continue to endeavor to make God my all, but as our relationship with God is often a reflection of our earthly relationship with humans, I often struggle in this area. The more deserted I feel by those humans around me, the more deserted I feel by God. When my husband doesn't have time or energy to listen to me, I feel God doesn't have time or energy to listen to me. When my mother (because my dad was never a good comparison to the role of my heavenly Father) doesn't have is distracted when I'm talking to her, giving a feeling of disinterest, I feel that God is too busy and distracted to listen or care for me as well.